“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
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I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
bad news gang
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.