First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
You Might Also Like
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
no such thing as a dumb question
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
hmm conte-me mais
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks