*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
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Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.