*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
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[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI