[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
You Might Also Like
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”