first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
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If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.