[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
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I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.