FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
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Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.