[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
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When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I finally found a reason to live again.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.