[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
You Might Also Like
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.