[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
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I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
guilty
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
stand with me against insufficient seating
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.