[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here