[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
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First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!