[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
You Might Also Like
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Sell your car
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?