First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
felt that
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
me working on my assignments ^-^
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.