first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
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Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
San Francisco has too many rules
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
i can’t wait that long
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.