First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
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WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist