Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

Did…did a minotaur write this

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what