First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What’s the problem?
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
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FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*
*Creates a soulmate*
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
ME: a blue one
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
Did…did a minotaur write this
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what