First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
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Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.