[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
You Might Also Like
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.