first you must answer his riddles
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“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Okay me first
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn