First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
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Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?