Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
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[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Today’s Times
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.