Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
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Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?