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I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
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My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’