Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
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Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.