FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
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If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I don’t make the rules sorry
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.