FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
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me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT