FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
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Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I have questions??
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats