Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
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Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”