Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
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Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.