Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
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I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Home is where your toilet is.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Stop being racist to kettles.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.