Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
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It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
✌🏽
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
$4 #usedbooks
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?