Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
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[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch