FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
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We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
do what now??
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom