Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
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If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
BETRAYAL
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face