Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
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her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Basketball games are very squeaky.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Sell your car
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.