Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
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(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China