Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
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My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Siri: Retweet me.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.