*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
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My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please