Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
