five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
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I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base