Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
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9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
If only
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.