My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
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“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
How it started: How it’s going:
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
OMG 🤣🤣
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage