Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn