Fixed this for Shakespeare
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me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”