Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
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BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
me logging onto twitter
finally
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.