*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
You Might Also Like
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
🤣🤣🤣
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.