*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!