Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
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My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
*pokes sex life with a stick
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
my one true gender
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried