Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
for all #parents out there
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*