*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
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marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*